Loving Myself Ruined Everything (In the Best Way)

...the year I stopped settling, started healing, and chose the hard thing - because I knew I deserved better

Letter to Subscribers

There’s something quiet about real change.
It doesn’t happen with fireworks or finish lines.
It starts with a sentence whispered to yourself in the dark:

“Because I love myself.”

That was my motto this year. The phrase I carried in my pocket when I wanted to quit, when I didn’t see the point, when I felt like shrinking back into old versions of myself.

I’m going to do the hard things… because I love myself.
Not because I hate who I was.
Not because I need to become a brand-new person.
But because I finally believe I deserve better.

This year, I stopped abandoning myself.

I stopped choosing ease over effort, approval over peace, comfort over care. I started doing things that scared me, not because I needed to prove anything, but because I wanted to show up for myself. Finally. Fully.

And the truth is?
There were years I didn’t love myself. Not really.
Years I stayed in places that drained me. Years I begged for breadcrumbs.
If I had loved myself then, I wouldn’t have tolerated what I did.
But I didn’t know how.
And learning to love yourself when no one taught you how…
That’s the real work.

This year, I decided: no more waiting.
No more “one day” healing.
No more waiting for the confidence to arrive before I moved.
I moved. I took the step. I made the change.

Because I love myself.

And that’s a damn good reason.

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Playlist: “Soft Rebellion”

Songs for showing up, slowly but surely.
Let these play while you stretch on the floor or look out the window or sit with your journal and feel proud of how far you’ve come.

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Footnotes & References

1. Mtoto (Swahili): child, little one - the version of me that whispered “we deserve more.”

2. Healing is not a makeover. It’s a homecoming.

3. Sometimes self-love sounds like “no,” sometimes it sounds like “not anymore.”

4. The old me wasn’t bad. She was just tired, and doing her best.

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A Full Circle Moment

It almost feels like a 360.
Because my first ever Substack post was titled “Should I Stop Romanticising My Own Love Letters?”
Back then, I was questioning the way I gave love. The way I longed for it. The way I poured it out onto pages but rarely back into myself.

And now? I’m writing a love letter I actually believe in.
To myself.
From someone who finally knows what she deserves.

Fun fact: I grew up in a household where we spoke Swahili at home.
And the word “mtoto” means child.
This year, the mtoto in me.. the inner child I spent years neglecting, was the one who carried me through.

She kept whispering: "We’re going to do the hard things. Because we love ourselves now."

This isn’t a rewrite.
It’s a return - with clarity, with softness, with conviction.

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A Soft Invitation:

Take a moment.
Close your eyes. Place your hand over your chest.
Ask yourself: What would I do differently today, if I really, truly loved myself?

And don’t be surprised if the answer asks you to do something hard.

Do it anyway.
Because you love yourself.

And because you’re worth that kind of love.
The kind that stays.
The kind that doesn’t abandon you.
Not even when you’re tired.

- B

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